Why bother?

This post is a little tough for me because it involves personal sharing, which is way outside my comfort zone. I see a lot of talk about weight loss and fitting into skinny jeans and things like that. Although having a goal of losing weight is great if you need that to be healthy, I don't think that's what fitness and clean eating is really all about. It's something you do for yourself and for those who depend on you. At least, that's what it means to me.

I have had a really tough time for a little over 2 years, where I've been withdrawn and questioning my worth. It's just been the past few months that I finally feel like I am finding myself again and getting stable. In the fall of 2011, I decided I was ready to have a second child and got pregnant right away. But I had a miscarriage at about 8 weeks. That was tough physically and emotionally. I tried to avoid surgery, but that didn't pan out, so what should have been taken care of in a couple weeks dragged on for 3 months.

Just when I was finally getting past that, my dad had a stroke in February 2012. This was devastating for the family for a while, even though it wasn't a surprise. He hadn't been taking care of himself and had been warned for years that he was going to have a stroke or heart attack. He just didn't expect to survive it when it happened. Well, he did, but he is paralyzed on his left side and has trouble doing much of anything for himself. That first year after the stroke was full of ups and downs. He spent a week in ICU (during which time I realized I was pregnant with Evan), then did well in 3 weeks of inpatient rehab. But, when he got moved to a nursing home, he came down with pneumonia and was on a ventilator for a week. Somehow he survived that, but it was a huge setback in his recovery. After 3 months in a nursing home, my mom decided to care for him at home. That has been a huge burden on her and was a big adjustment trying to figure out how to make it all work.

Once Evan was born in the fall, I thought it would be better, but my husband began traveling overseas about once a month. I have a really hard time with the baby stage, and it was difficult being on my own a lot that first year. I withdrew, stopped hanging out with my friends as much, and worked very little. I felt lost and alone.

But it's time to put an end to that.

Finally, we are into the toddler stage, so the kids are at a point where I feel I can manage them better, my husband's travel has lessened, and my parents have found more stability. I am trying to build my own business, which involves a lot of personal reflection and growth. I'm also making a big effort to focus on my health. That's what this 21-Day Fix means to me. It's not about just looking a certain way, but about doing something to take care of me, to be a better me for my family.

What does your health and fitness mean to you?